Rediscovering Appetite

It is a calm spring-like morning. I am awake and already buzzing about. The window is open letting that cool breeze in the sound of birds chirping. I'm thinking about places I want to go and see and things I want to accomplish the rest of this year, and I feel good in this moment. My mind circles between happy and depressed. As I research and look at all the exciting things I want to do, I circle back to all the things I am going through right now, and around the cycle goes.

I am enjoying just sitting here on the internet doing all those things whilst reading the latest Joanne Fluke novel entitled Apple Turnover Murder. The heroine of the story owns a cookie shop and is always baking. Included are recipes that are making me hungry. Being pregnant, I haven't really eaten how I normally would, or been able to for that matter. It will be nice to just eat what I want and when I want etc. etc. etc. I can't wait to start cooking again and baking, just for the hell of it. Then I remember the things I used to bake, like muffins in the morning, or a cake in the afternoon, eggrolls for dinner. .... The first thing I really remember craving was red velvet cake. I'm sure looking back there was something I craved before that, but I wasn't really paying attention. Red velvet cake just happened to be the first thing that stood out to me that I consciously realized I could eat the entire cake in one sitting and look forward to enjoying a whole other cake. (I did restrain myself from eating the entire thing in one sitting by the way!!!) I crave now just to be normal and in control of my body.

As the months have gone by I haven't been craving any food in particular anymore, I've just been craving a feeling. I crave to be back in control of the simple things. Food reminds me of the freedom I had before and so my food craving becomes a hunger to feel that freedom I felt before. In pregnancy I have to eat according to what agrees with baby. Now I am ready to get back to eating what agrees with just me. But enough about explaining my cravings and hunger pains. I feel better every day, just thinking about what I have to do for a healthy recovery. It may not be what anyone else considers is necessary to be accomplished for me to heal and feel better, but I know what I need. And what I need is going with the way the cookie crumbles, not worrying, not planning: just going with the flow: just doing what feels right for me. It may not be conventional or planned, but why should it be? Rediscovering one's self never should be.